Alice,
My mother-n-law was just Dx with breast cancer about a month ago. She had her mastectomy and reconstruction on 5/1/09. She had read numerous books and pamphlets about the subject. I kept telling her that I had this book for her to read. Finally, we caught up with each other and she was able to get your book. Now all I have heard is how wonderful and informative your book was and she insists that both of her daughters read it also. It really made an impact on the Dx and her treatment. I know that you are aware that your book has touched so many lives but I wanted you to know that it has 1. touched another and 2. I thank you for sharing your story with others who are so fearful and down-on-their-luck that there is light at the end of the tunnel! You Go Girl!! I have always had great faith in you, even though you and I got into some really strange situations!
You rock and just won't stop :)
See ya,
MC
Embracing the Attitude of
the Beyond Pink Ribbon
is
Krystle Rose,
Ohio's Perfect Miss 2008
Dear Alice,
My husband is very supportive of my treatment. I had a bilateral mastectomy. He is there for me without me even having to ask. This was a great comfort - to have someone know to have something ready before you needed it. The problem that he is having is that I don't physically need much (if any) help anymore. I am sure he sees me do things on my own and though they are hard for me, I AM doing them. I guess it is survivor’s helplessness. He is not as much an integral part of my recovery (or so he thinks). How did your husband feel? What did you do to help him feel involved?
In a relationship you are there for you. It's just what you do. Other than assuring him that he still helps me emotionally every day and letting him come to Drs with me is there any other ways I can help him? I also realize we are past the shock stage where you deal with all the physical pain. We are far enough removed from the surgery that he may be entering the emotional pain world. I don't like that he feels this way but realize that this recovery for him is part of the process. Any and all advice, suggestions, or pearls of wisdom you have would be a blessing. Now it is my turn to help him.
Love you, love your new website, and LOVE the f-book posts! Thank you for your support and advice.
~Surviving in Columbus
Dear Surviving in Columbus,
Well First of all, I'm going to forward this to Richard, my husband, so that he can respond in his own way.
My point of view is a couple of things. When you are dealing with a cancer diagnosis the patients and loved ones really are dealing with a body that betrayed them. Would your mind have ever allowed you to get cancer? Intellectually, it just doesn't compute. So for those that love you, it's even harder because their worst fears are realized in you and the only thing that they can do is offer their help...right? So when you don't need help, there is no outlet for them to express (or project) their emotions. Sometimes the actual going through treatment is the easiest part because you're in the thick of things. Now everything that you prepared to get through is over so to speak. But really it's just beginning. It's harder because in some awkward way there seemed to be "safety" in being in treatment. Now there's "nothing to protect you." Now it's like "What the hell do I do now." and this emotion is as real for the caregiver as it is for the patient. Now that there is time to breathe...all the what ifs come into his head. Doing things for yourself means normal for you but for him it means that you don't need him. When I was in treatment, I completely allowed my husband to takeover that which was important to me.....I'll let him finish the rest.....
Dear Surviving in Columbus,
I feel like I am reading my own story through your eyes - I could not agree more with what you have felt. Breast cancer is a personal disease but along the lines there is family that also shares the ride.
It is an emotional and physical journey that you undergo, and I found that a husband cannot ask what can be done - he merely does it without prompting. As you said, the initial distress has passed and your support group starts to form the line. I imagine you turned away numerous requests of "let me know if you need anything...." as YOU began to recover. Your husband assumed a new role.....
Husbands are not necessarily the type to nurture, but I found myself in a mother's role. I felt like Alice was merely experiencing growing pains due to the strength that she showed - a strength you have from what I am reading in your e-mail. You became very independent entering treatment and probably distanced yourself from your husband and others, though no fault of your own. I was "Mom" letting Alice find her way.
Independence is not pushing all others away - it is having the ability to stand up for that which you believe. You always had your safety net in your husband. "Silent support' was not a phrase with which I easily indentified until we had our own experience with breast cancer. There was so much I did, and so much more I wanted to do, but after a point I hindered her recovery. She needed to get back to her normal life but I handicapped her by not allowing that.
To your point: I married a strong woman. I saw a strong woman temporarily weakened. The woman I married is now back - I will always remember the time I spent with her while she was weakened and what I did to help her, but now I relish having back the strong woman I married.
~Richard
Subject: Doing Great!
Dear All,
I am so happy to report that I had almost forgot about our little e-mails. I feel so good I often forget that I have had major surgery a month and a half ago! I feel so physically "normal" most of the time that I forget! Ah, the skill of surgeons and modern medical techniques!!!
Lets start off where we left off. I spent a delightful Christmas and New Years with my beloved family. Had lots of laughs and quiet moments of reconnection, ate much too much DELICIOUS FOOD, and most importantly spent time with my family. What a pleasurable time. If we had a chance to hand pick our family ourselves I would pick every family member of mine again. Each person is a loving soul that adds something to my life and enriches it with joy.
On January 4 I started student teaching! Defying my colleges expectations of my health, I was a pillar of fitness to begin teaching with everyone else. I absolutely love teaching. It has been my pleasure to work with this amazing staff of people at Davis Middle School. There are about 6 people who know what is happening in my health life and are beyond supportive. They make it fun, comfortable, and comforting to come to work each day. Each woman has been a blessing in my life and I sure am thankful of their presence. As I said before, I often forget what is going on with me, which is a blessing. The only remaining indication is my fatigue. Most students who are student teaching report a high level of fatigue and stress. I am pretty tired but I think that most of that is just the norm level of student teacher fatigue. I am taking great care of myself though and allowing plenty of rest time. It is a true pleasure to have something in my life I CHOOSE to worry about, like student teaching rather than something I HAVE to worry about, like cancer. At 24 I have been given the gift of perspective and will always be so thankful for it.
Physically my "doughnut boobs" have been traded in. I now have what I lovingly call my "measuring cup boobs". I feel like someone has placed hard plastic measuring cups under my skin (though I am moving up in "cup" size - haha!). I go in for fills every Monday. I have asked my doctor to fill me one and a half times the normal amount so I can get done for the wedding. This doesn't bother me one bit. The usual is somewhere in the neighborhood of 75-100 cc per breast. I get about 150 cc at each fill. For those of you doing the math that is 5 oz per breast per fill. I am not experiencing the same kind of pain some women do with the expansions. This pain is much like tooth pain, bone pain, and skin pain. They all differ in HOW they hurt. Tooth pain can not be compared to a cut in your skin. This expander pain for me is more like a distinct tightness around my chest accompanied by some muscle pain. It really isn't that bad. I doesn't hurt like I thought it would, it is just highly uncomfortable. It is however quite tolerable. Dan is my master of massage. I tend to feel all my pain directly behind my implants on my ribs and he massages my back for me. He's a gem (but I already knew that).
Mentally I am shocked at how I am doing. I expected to wake up in the hospital and be overcome with grief for the loss of my breasts and have moments for the rest of my life of mourning for them. I was shocked to find that when I woke up in the recovery room and in every moment since then, I have recognized a feeling of great relief. They took away my natural breasts and gave me implants but they also gave me a future free of scans, tests, lumpectomies, chest x-rays, and WORRY. I woke up feeling a great worry had been lifted from my mind and that I could survive any feeling of sadness I felt because the relief outweighed the sadness. Dan is also a major reason why I am doing as well as I am. He helps me realize that I am a woman through and through who is beautiful because of the way I carry myself, my personality, as well as the way I look. He has been my biggest blessing through all of this and the biggest reason for my recovery.
As a side note - I will be the first to admit that my new breasts - even the measuring cups - look better than my old ones!
So thank you, thank you all for your love and support. A few more fills and one more surgery to go, and then tattoos and we are done!!!
We did it gang! We got through the hardest part and I couldn't have done it with as much grace as I did without the love, prayers, and support that I have received from you all. I love you all so very much and feel so blessed to have you in my life.
XOXOX
Kaitlin from Columbus
